Thank You

I had this "deer in the headlights," moment the other day.

I have a blog? I've been writing my thoughts down for people to read?? ANY people?? WHAT am I doing???

I've always been somewhat of a private, quiet person. I try to filter what comes out carefully, before I say it. Words have this insane power, you have to be careful with them. There is lots going on inside, and I have many opinions, but much of it stays put in my brain, lacking the freedom needed to blurt it out . I think it's because my heart does so much of the opinion making, and it speaks in a different language that I cannot interpret vocally, so I don't.

Writing, however, is much easier. The flow is faster, my voice is louder. I'm not sure why, but my words feel sturdier and I feel more confidant. I suppose it creates an extra filter, because I can "take it back," easier. That backspace button is really handy.  If they only had one in real life....

Someone recently asked me why I have a blog. I started the blog last year to chronicle what was going on in my life at that moment. I was taking lots of pictures and found myself somewhat "photo journal-ing", so it became a natural pair. Words and pictures. My goal was to blog at least once a week, and every year have it bound into a book for Grace, so when she is my age, she can look at her childhood and relate to her mommy, when she is a mommy herself. She loves the blog, and we read it to her. I am so glad she cares about it, because that was my ultimate goal.

My other goal, was to connect with people. Especially, those who have been through a life changing loss. There is something about relating in a deep way that makes you feel "not so alone." I write hoping someone would happen upon my blog, and find a strength in it, to get them through that hour, that day, that week.  I remember those months right after Vanessa was gone, being immersed in that hell. There was nothing to grip, no mattress waiting for me at the bottom when I fell. My hope is the blog will be that life ring tossed, so one might be free of those black waters, if only for a second.

I've had a couple people write in to me, connecting their hell with mine. It made baring it all so worth it to connect with these lovely people, and together, we have put our trembling feet into the stirrups, and have gotten back on that horse. I have gathered strength from them, and vice versa, which to me, has been a win-win, and exactly what I was hoping for.

If you are reading this, I thank you for taking the time to read my blog. The fact that you comment, and connect gives me the drive to continue. It's therapeutic, and because of you, I will have this for  my Grace.

So I bow, and say, Thank You.

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This week, we said goodbye to our beloved kitty, Gypsy.  She was the one I thought would never die, but she in fact, did. She was a fighter to the bitter end, which I am glad to say, went fast. She has been very frail for the past six months, but has managed to pull her seventeen year old bag of bones all around the property, and down the driveway to meet Grace as she came home from school, up until the day before she passed away. I will miss her company in the garden, and her sweet nudges on my back as she'd slide her tail around my hip to give me the ultimate cat hug. I will miss her dearly, but am happy for the seventeen years she blessed me with, being my kitty.

                                                                 XOXO, Gypsy Cat

A Very Sassy Sarahbration

I love birthdays.

When someone tells me "I don't like birthdays," or, "I don't really celebrate it," I look at them, raise my right eyebrow, and say "reeeeeally??"

There are those of you out there nodding because that's you, and some of you out there that love to celebrate, like I do.

Think about it.

 Birth-day.

The day you took your very first breath, the day you were born into this crazy little world, the day that the person who birthed you's life changed forever. It is your day. The one day that you can grab, be a little selfish, and say, mine. A day to celebrate!

As I get older, they have become more meaningful. Each year I am more and more grateful I got to hitch a ride on this planet and take another trip around the sun. I am proud of my age (35, if you are curious), and I look forward to every birthday, to celebrate and smile, because I just earned one more notch to put on my belt. One more gracious year spent with the ones I treasure. I must say, I can be quite demanding on my birthday. Just ask Jeremy. Not with gifts, or stuff like that, but with food and attention. I want that day to be perfect, and I want to spend it eating good food with my lovies, because that is what makes me happiest. Spending the day surrounded by love.


This weekend was birthday central. Two birthdays were in need of some serious birthday attention, and family and friends delivered that, and at both birthdays, the birthday love was felt.


You all remember my friend and fellow photographer Sarah, right?

Well. There was a gaggle of us girls that put her in the dark on just how we were going to celebrate her birthday. She knew somethin' was a brewin', but didn't know just what.

There is this group of us that have known each other since we were about five years old, some even earlier. Throughout the years, there has been ebb and flow, but we have all managed to stay in touch, and get together and celebrate things like birthdays, and babies, and weddings. Friendship is amazing that way. We all know Sarah loves a good party, so her bestie planned not just a birthday party, but a Sassy Sarahbration!!!

                                        





So. Picture this. We show up, eat some fabulous brunchy food, things are fun and light, and Sarah's eyes are peeled for anything that looks out of the ordinary that can tip her off to the fun. We are outside looking at the garden, and this bus pulls around slowly, as if it were looking for an address. It wasn't just any bus.

 It was a Party Bus.

 Sarah claps and shrieks. Jumps up and down and her eyes are very, very wide. We finally clue her in that this bus is ours for the next four hours as we tour three Winery's in Woodinville.

Um, what are we waiting for???? LETS GO!!!

We have our designated driver, a bus that can fit the ten of us, so we pack the bus, and start our Sarahbration!



The bus is fun. There are bench seats so we can face each other, the food spread is out, and the wine is a flowin'. The windows are heavily tinted, there is music, and this crazy mirror on the ceiling and a pole towards the front. Yes, a pole. None of us thought much of it, but a couple of us wagered on who would be on it by winery #2.

Our first stop was Chateau Ste Michelle.



Violet, who works as a wine distributor, and knows lots and lots about wine, answered all of our questions as we made our way through the tasting list. We taste and taste, and then it's back to the bus and to the next stop.

Here is a very fun tasting room. We get a bit loud, my pictures get a bit fuzzier, and the first wine glass is broken. But, we are ladies, and have lotsa fun, while holding our liqueur well. ; )

It's off to the last stop, and we sit in the sun, share some more wine, and eat flat bread pizza which goes great with the booze.

It's back to the party bus for us, but Violet keeps our glasses topped off as we do our own tastings.

Prince is blaring as is other 80's classics as we buzz down the highway. The laughter is louder as is the singing, and we are a slightly rowdy bunch, and as some of us wagered, yes, a couple people ended up taking a spin on that pole including Birthday Girl.

                                               Sarah borrowed my camera and took this one, : )

                                         This was looking up at that funny mirror on the ceiling.

By the time the bus ride was over, it was time for cupcakes at Hailey's and a visit with the little ones.

We are a fun bunch, the Bunch bunch, and it was so much fun celebrating Sarah's 35th in style. Happiest of Birthdays to you, kind and sweet Sarah, and thank you, all you lovely ladies for SUCH a wonderful, fun, afternoon! This girl needed it!



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Today, it was time to change gears and head over to the mainland, and celebrate my great uncle Bob's birthday, and not just any birthday, but his 90th. 90 trips around the sun, and he is not even dizzy.

Uncle Bob married his sweetheart, my great aunt Nolene, back in October of 1944. I can't help but think of how blessed they are to be spending this momentous birthday together. So inspirational, and truly moving. Here, they are holding a wedding photo of themselves back in 1944.

Amazing, huh? Their relationship is beautiful, and celebrating with family today to honor him was a blessing. So, we celebrate you uncle Bob, 90 years, young.


  

So, boys and girls, the moral of the story, is this: Take the time to celebrate. These are milestones, stepping stones in life. A day to be fun, to have fun, to be loud, to live it up!





There is no time, to let that time, slip away.

Dream On

I've had this bucket list knocking around in my head for awhile.

I have yet to actually take the time to sit down with a pen and a pad of paper, think carefully, and write them all down. I haven't wrote it out, because actually seeing it on paper, I fear, will fill me with anxiety that maybe most of the list will stay just on paper, as most of my wants are far away travels, or conquering things I fear most, my Mount Everest's.

Instead, I keep the list safe in my head, away from my eyes, where I can imagine I am fearless and triumphant, where I can have a conversation in my head that says "yes, you can!, or, "go ahead!" instead of my eyes reading a list, saying "no, you can't" or, "Dream on!"

I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching these last few months, questioning what it is I truly believe, and my purpose in this life. I think of these in terms of what comes from the core of me, not apologizing for any of my truths or molding to what other people think, or want me to be. Maybe that's what you do in your thirties? Start to cement these findings into a person that is honestly and uniquely you? I feel as if I am just starting to wake up from a coma. I am feeling again, I am wanting again, which is new. I was so used to the numbness inside, I thought it would last forever. Ten years ago a person died inside of me, and is just now starting to regenerate. There are pieces of her, blown apart, that were annihilated, unrecoverable, tossed into the throw away pile, and pieces of her that were somewhat salvageable. These pieces are broken, but still being woven into the new that has pushed past the surface, all these years later.  The bucket list is back on my radar after taking a long hiatus, asking for some attention.


On Thursday, I got to check off one of my top 5 off my bucket list, something I have so badly wanted  to do since I was eighteen years old. We went to a Pink Floyd concert. I had this deep, soul satisfying moment, up in row 15 , seat #7, as Roger Waters sang "Goodbye Blue Sky" one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs. I almost couldn't breathe, mesmerized by hearing the amazing music live, as if they were singing it just for me. That's what happens when you cross something off your bucket list. A big, black marker draws a line through the words in your brain, and in its place, a memory is made, diving straight into your heart. Bucket list satisfaction.


The concert quenched the thirst for that drink, but I am still thirsty for more. There is more I intend on crossing off that long list o' mine.

 Get a tattoo.
 Yodel across the Grand Canyon.
 Feel the mist on my face standing on the cliffs in Ireland.
 Run barefoot on Bermuda's famous pink sand. 
 Be able to go on a plane again.
 Kiss Jeremy under the Eiffel Tower.
 Swim with dolphins in the freedom of their own waters
 New Years Eve in NYC
 Go an a walkabout
 Hold my own grandchildren
 Watch the bats fly out of Bracken cave, TX (seems morbid, but, 20 million fly out!, wanna see that!)
 Spend Christmas in Hawaii
 Learn Spanish


The crazy thing about a bucket list, is you have no guarantee when that bucket will fall over. Could be tomorrow, could be years from now. It's easy to be caught up in the everyday, stay comfortable in routine. I am very guilty of that. I call it the "beige life." Beige is safe, beige is neutral. Why not push yourself into the green? Dip your legs into the blue? Bring the red up to your lips for a taste? This life was only meant to live once, no backsies, no trade-sies. Why not take that life of yours and run with it?

It is yours, and waiting.


You just need to push past the beige.

      I saw my sister-in-law this weekend, and she showed me this. We have been talking for years about getting butterfly tattoo's in memory of Vanessa, since her name is a type of butterfly. She did it, and got one, a check off the old bucket list. Thanks, Bets, it's so beautiful, and means a lot to us. XO

Lavern

There are things in life you search out to find, and things that just happen on into your life that fit in like a glove. A couple weeks ago, I mentioned about a new beginning for our little family. I wish I could say it was a new baby coming, or some other super exciting news, but I will settle with being pleased with the news that our beginning we can truly enjoy as a family. Our beginning of adventure.

I just happened to be on the computer late one weeknight a couple weeks ago, and up popped up this cute little 80's fifth wheel for sale on my screen. Just, reached out and bit me, it did. Wasn't even lookin' for one. Now, whenever Jeremy and I have vacationed, as we head down the highway, we have always looked forlornly at campers and RVs as they head down the highway with us. "Someday," we'd say to each other. We'd check out the state names on the plates to see how far away from home they are, oogle at the really nice mansions on wheels, and laugh at the ones held together with duct tape. We'll, no more laughin' and lookin' forlorn, cause we just bought ourselves a beauty straight out of 1988.

Now, don't pass me the banjo, or rip off my t-shirt sleeves yet. I might take a pair of Keds and ankle zip jeans if you have them, though. She may be from the 80's, but this girl is clean as a whistle and as straight as an arrow, with lots of personality. As soon as I stepped foot inside, and saw my girl bouncing around with her tanned legs and curls flying, I was completely sold. Sold on the idea of giving Grace some great memories of state hopping, site seeing, and exploring, something we have never really done. This will allow us the opportunity of stepping out of our comfort zone, stretching our legs to see the world around us. I am so excited, I can barely contain it! We have lovingly stocked her already with some cooking essentials and toiletries, and have even given her a name.

Y'all, meet Lavern.

My girl loves her. If you look closely in this picture, you can see her smiling in the window. But, if you look even closer, you may just pass by the camper and see this staring at you:

Let me take you on a little tour.  Promise it won't take long. : )

This would be our loft. Pull back the curtains in back to stargaze the night sky.

After school she heads straight here to do her homework.

And, play house.

I like to join her, and perch and watch.

Had to throw in a picture of the throne and shower.

Daisy approves too and loves to push her snout against the low windows.

We are looking forward to all the new adventures Lavern holds for us. Lake Quinault, Ohanapecosh, The Redwoods, Grand Coulee,  Lake Crescent, Icicle Creek, Hells Canyon, Rouge River, these are all names that just weeks ago lay dormant in our minds but have sprung to life. Travelers, we'll be.

Okay, you can pass me the banjo, now.

I can't wait!