I had this "deer in the headlights," moment the other day.
I have a blog? I've been writing my thoughts down for people to read?? ANY people?? WHAT am I doing???
I've always been somewhat of a private, quiet person. I try to filter what comes out carefully, before I say it. Words have this insane power, you have to be careful with them. There is lots going on inside, and I have many opinions, but much of it stays put in my brain, lacking the freedom needed to blurt it out . I think it's because my heart does so much of the opinion making, and it speaks in a different language that I cannot interpret vocally, so I don't.
Writing, however, is much easier. The flow is faster, my voice is louder. I'm not sure why, but my words feel sturdier and I feel more confidant. I suppose it creates an extra filter, because I can "take it back," easier. That backspace button is really handy. If they only had one in real life....
Someone recently asked me why I have a blog. I started the blog last year to chronicle what was going on in my life at that moment. I was taking lots of pictures and found myself somewhat "photo journal-ing", so it became a natural pair. Words and pictures. My goal was to blog at least once a week, and every year have it bound into a book for Grace, so when she is my age, she can look at her childhood and relate to her mommy, when she is a mommy herself. She loves the blog, and we read it to her. I am so glad she cares about it, because that was my ultimate goal.
My other goal, was to connect with people. Especially, those who have been through a life changing loss. There is something about relating in a deep way that makes you feel "not so alone." I write hoping someone would happen upon my blog, and find a strength in it, to get them through that hour, that day, that week. I remember those months right after Vanessa was gone, being immersed in that hell. There was nothing to grip, no mattress waiting for me at the bottom when I fell. My hope is the blog will be that life ring tossed, so one might be free of those black waters, if only for a second.
I've had a couple people write in to me, connecting their hell with mine. It made baring it all so worth it to connect with these lovely people, and together, we have put our trembling feet into the stirrups, and have gotten back on that horse. I have gathered strength from them, and vice versa, which to me, has been a win-win, and exactly what I was hoping for.
If you are reading this, I thank you for taking the time to read my blog. The fact that you comment, and connect gives me the drive to continue. It's therapeutic, and because of you, I will have this for my Grace.
So I bow, and say, Thank You.
This week, we said goodbye to our beloved kitty, Gypsy. She was the one I thought would never die, but she in fact, did. She was a fighter to the bitter end, which I am glad to say, went fast. She has been very frail for the past six months, but has managed to pull her seventeen year old bag of bones all around the property, and down the driveway to meet Grace as she came home from school, up until the day before she passed away. I will miss her company in the garden, and her sweet nudges on my back as she'd slide her tail around my hip to give me the ultimate cat hug. I will miss her dearly, but am happy for the seventeen years she blessed me with, being my kitty.