Sunday, March 3, 2013

Chasing a little Grace

I took a little time off of the blog to do some thinking. I went back and forth, working with the ebb and flow of weighing the decision on whether I should keep writing and sharing on the blog, or to put it down for a while. The easy thing to do would be to stop and shut up tight like a clam, and retreat to my once quieter existence. I definitely take the easy route sometimes, and that option sure looked very appealing. However, once I thought I had made the decision to stop writing, that part of your gut that won't let you rest, let me know that I wasn't done yet. It is unfinished, it told me.

I have had trouble in the past accepting support. So much so, that the day of Vanessa's funeral I spoke to no one, and didn't hardly let anyone talk to me, or give me their condolences, even though the church was packed. Looking back, that was a huge mistake. I feel very badly about not letting those people grieve with and for me, but I just didn't know what to do, so I put up a big wall and kept everyone out. Everyone. Those years of darkness that followed, I pushed everyone away, refused to be helped, and wanted to go die alone. And, I did.

To say the least, those dark years were very difficult to go it alone. Partly because I lost so many people during my retreat, and I don't blame them. I blame myself for the shut out. What I didn't let happen, hurt me more, which left the road to recovery a road I had to pave on my own. A job much harder left to one.

As said before, mostly this blog is for my Grace. It is a journal for her, a gift from her mother. When she is older, she will have a piece of me at this age to relate to, have, and to love. I will be different years from now, but this is me now. In my mid thirties, and these are my thoughts while she is still young.

I could share only with her, and keep this blog for our eyes only, which is a possibility someday. But, for now, part of this blog is for you. To share, and to hopefully reach someone that is needing a lift to their day, or to connect with a loss they can relate to and not feel so alone, or to get a new recipe for their cooking repertoire. It is also for me. Your support, I am finally letting it fill me. The kind words, thoughts, prayers have all settled deep within, and I am grateful to you. A kind circle is what I want for this blog, and that is what you have given me. I may not be as consistent with it as I have been in the past, but I will try and find that courage and balance to write until my gut lets me rest.

So, I will continue to chase my little Grace.

1 comment:

  1. You are amazing Marla. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. I remember working at the pharmacy and finding out from your mother about Vanessa. I remember how worried Robin was and how much she worried for you and how much she cared for you and loved you. I cried when I heard the news. It has been a bright spot in my life to see how you have turned your grief into such a beautiful testament of your love for both your daughters.