I have had trouble in the past accepting support. So much so, that the day of Vanessa's funeral I spoke to no one, and didn't hardly let anyone talk to me, or give me their condolences, even though the church was packed. Looking back, that was a huge mistake. I feel very badly about not letting those people grieve with and for me, but I just didn't know what to do, so I put up a big wall and kept everyone out. Everyone. Those years of darkness that followed, I pushed everyone away, refused to be helped, and wanted to go die alone. And, I did.
To say the least, those dark years were very difficult to go it alone. Partly because I lost so many people during my retreat, and I don't blame them. I blame myself for the shut out. What I didn't let happen, hurt me more, which left the road to recovery a road I had to pave on my own. A job much harder left to one.
As said before, mostly this blog is for my Grace. It is a journal for her, a gift from her mother. When she is older, she will have a piece of me at this age to relate to, have, and to love. I will be different years from now, but this is me now. In my mid thirties, and these are my thoughts while she is still young.
I could share only with her, and keep this blog for our eyes only, which is a possibility someday. But, for now, part of this blog is for you. To share, and to hopefully reach someone that is needing a lift to their day, or to connect with a loss they can relate to and not feel so alone, or to get a new recipe for their cooking repertoire. It is also for me. Your support, I am finally letting it fill me. The kind words, thoughts, prayers have all settled deep within, and I am grateful to you. A kind circle is what I want for this blog, and that is what you have given me. I may not be as consistent with it as I have been in the past, but I will try and find that courage and balance to write until my gut lets me rest.
So, I will continue to chase my little Grace.